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Psychic Readings from Spirit Guides, Career, Money, Life

The Power of 'NO'!

By:Chrissie Batten
Date: Thu,09 Aug 2012
Submitter:Chrissie Batten

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Chrissie Batten
Spiritual Counsellor
Reiki Master/Teacher

Over the years I’ve discovered that life moves us through various traumatic stages that have a beginning and end. The purpose of these stages is to help us grow and learn. Although each stage may vary in length and intensity of issues, and level of disruption to our lives, each stage contains a main theme that runs throughout. Which is the driving force and pivotal learning point of our experience, that if recognised and adhered to, will enable us to improve our personality, life and future.

And if we look for the bigger picture of humanity, by also looking inwardly at issues of friends and family, we may recognise how our central theme of that time is theirs too. This mirroring acts as confirmation that we are indeed a global society on a global journey of learning, that can affect us all!

I’ve always been able to identify the different stages of my life, and see the opening and closing of each stage. Recently I recognised that another traumatic stage of my life had completed. I felt relieved as I acknowledged how hard I’d been finding life for some time, and hoped the universe would allow me a resting stage to re-gather my strength and positivity before I faced the next step. But we can’t control some aspects of our growth, only learn to attend to them as soon as we can, in order to reduce discomfort and suffering caused because of them. So, when troublesome events started to present themselves to me – along with rising discomforts, I quickly started to search for the meaning hidden behind them.

I’d been struggling to meet obligations I’d imposed upon myself, that catered for other’s needs, and put my life on hold because I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to focus on my issues. I realised this attitude meant I stayed stuck in the quagmire of frustration, anger, resentment, despondency and despair, that was hidden beneath my compassionate acts. But I’d become so embroiled in pushing myself to cope with family problems that felt overwhelming, that I’d closed my awareness off to my own needs, because I couldn’t cope with them as well as all the other things I had to do.

Self-denial and detachment crept in, but I didn’t acknowledge it because my needs were too much for me to cope with!

It was only when I received two requests for favours, one after the other from separate people, that truth finally hit me! Initially when I refused their requests I started to beat myself up, as usual when I think I’m letting someone down. But once I straightened my thinking out, I allowed my indignance to guide me to what I needed to see more clearly.

I had to allow myself to stomp my feet (mentally not physically)and admit I didn’t want to commit my time and attention to helping anyone at the moment. I had no energy left for me, as even though I did have some spare time, I wasn’t using it to replenish my energies or develop my business, because I felt so tired. Yet even after all the self-development work I’d done, I still felt guilty about saying no! So, ‘What was this all about?’ I asked myself!

I learned about assertiveness years ago. I understand it well, and believe me when I boldly say that I try to use my assertiveness power as and when it’s needed! So why was this ‘NO’ issue rising again? What was I missing?

Looking back over recent events and the predicament I felt I was in, I could see that saying ‘No’ was not just about refusing requests from others. It was also about self-control, like saying ‘NO’ to the bars of chocolate I’d been consuming to quell my tiredness and despondency, and ‘No’ to the voices in my head that told me I deserved to have them. It was about refusing to allow myself to beat me up any more for what I wasn’t doing, for what I had or hadn’t done! It was about stopping myself from striving to meet my own and others unrealistic expectations of what can be achieved in limiting circumstances, and stopping to rest when I required respite.

It was about seeing how I’d taken on responsibility that I couldn’t cope with! I was trying to make things easier and better for others. But though there were unavoidable tasks I had to perform, did I have to do SO much? Did I have to do ‘EVERYTHING I COULD TO MAKE LIFE EASIER FOR OTHERS, AT THE EXPENSE OF MY OWN LIFE AND HEALTH?’

Why had I not seen, after all my experiences and traumatic times, that whilst I can support people in times of trouble, I cannot fix their lives – especially if I neglect my own? And why did I keep on trying so hard to protect other people from their life-changing problems?

Thus I realised how hard I’d been pushing myself. And how much of myself I’d been denying! No wonder I felt miserable, anxious and worried all the time! Didn’t I realise how our problems help us develop new skills. Didn’t I know that facing our fear makes us stronger and wiser? Of course I did, I’m a counselling therapist! But did I really think I had to step in because my loved ones were so fragile, and they would die if faced with problems they felt they couldn’t handle? Yes I did actually! A fear caused by past experiences that left their imprint upon my subconscious mind, which infiltrated my logic and distorted the reality of what is! This is being dealt with now!

There are many who say if you reach for the stars you will touch them. But we have to account for the fact that physical, mental and emotional needs will stop us in our track, if they are not met. And environmental and universal influences will negatively affect our energy when we are low, by making us feel more tired, listless and depressed.

If we feel overwhelmed it’s okay to ask for help! But if we don’t give ourselves what we need to survive, no-one else will. Everyone these days is trying to cope with their own stuff! Meaning no one can help fix us, unless we take the time and make the effort to try to fix ourselves first!

‘NO’ is such a short sound. But it has a huge meaning! ‘No’ can save our lives and protect us, but it can also keep us confined in our stagnating comfort zone! Saying ‘No’ means we can stand up for what we believe is right and proper. But it can also promote our rebelliousness, that causes harm to ourselves or others! Sometimes we say ‘No’ when we mean ‘Yes’ and vice versa, so if we want to get what we want and need, we have to ensure we say what we really mean.

I’ve decided to put my needs on par with others, for a time anyway, as I realise this is my life, with one chance to enjoy the benefits of being who I am. Most importantly I’ve eventually accepted that it’s no good being a good Samaritan, if it kills you in the process. Or use external substances to cope with painful emotions and life, but which destroy physical health!

So often we lose ourselves within our problems. But regardless of how hard we try to avoid them, problems will keep rearing their ugliness at us. But if we don’t learn to say ‘No’ to things that will harm us, we will never be happy, healthy and fulfilled.

Learning to say ‘No’ means we can stand up and say …‘ I know what I need and make sure I get it’! And even though it might take a bit of practice to get the ‘No’ in the right place at the right time, saying ‘No’ will enable us to regain our confidence, because we are aware that whilst we may not be able to escape the trials and tribulations that life throws at us, we know we always have the power to choose how we deal with situations, and our reactive, needy self!
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Donna said:

Yes Chrissie. But once it's sorted there should be no need to change it. It should be young people who need to make decisions and changes. The older person should have already done all of that. T hey should have worked hard and saved and bought a house or whatever it is because they have had the years to do it in. I think people who wait till they have a problem are daft. Most problems can be seen and prevented in advance. i.e. you could be having doubts about letting someone move in or borrow money. So do not do it. Any fool can go ahead with it and then regret it later. http://www.bestwebsitetherapist.com
Mon,27 Aug 2012,19:51:15 GMT

Chrissie Batten said:

Sounds like you've got it sussed Donna. I think knowing what's going on in our minds is imperative if we want to change something in our lives.
Mon,27 Aug 2012,08:59:26 GMT

Donna said:

Hi Chrissie. I have been through every possible problem that can be thrown at a human and had to cope with it on my own - no support or help whatsoever, years ago. I had to grow up at a very early age. I think this is what draws people to me. I now make sure I do not have any problems. I always make sure that I prevent them rather than let them happen to me and then try to solve them. Something which is not possible when very young. I dont think people are always drawn to me because I am a therapist/psychic. I am not silly enough to tell strangers that - I would get them wanting to lean on me and learn from me free a lot more then. I think with some it is because of that, where they sense it even though I did not tell them, with others they just want to have a bolt hole to go to when their friends are busy and the husband is at work, with others it is because I am a woman on my own, with others because I work from home so they want to just turn up here like it's a drop in centre. I certainly remember it did not happen so much when I was married and before I divorced him. I am also sure it would not happen to a man even if he was working from home all day alone. But whatever the draw it is selfish.
It would be much fairer to say to me "Look I need therapy and psychic advice. How about if I decorate your lounge and kitchen for free in return for six half hour sessions". I may well still say no but it would be fairer. My actual life is great, I use my psychic abilities and ablities to make decisions and think to make sure it is, I make sure my business/finances etc are fine. It is only people wanting me to yes when I should and do say no that is a bother. And, of course, it will not just stop.

Yesterday I went out to visit a few people and there was a lady there I had never met before. She is a multi millionairess and lives in a house worth about £4,000,000. She does not have to work at all. She came up to me and said "I have heard about you and what you do. I will ring you soon to chat about it". My heart sank. I know she means ring me for a free reading over the phone. Usually with such people if I know their phone number I make sure it always goes on answer phone or whatever. I certainly never end up working for free. I think it is different if a woman lives with a husband etc where if she does do something like that she knows she can still pay the bills.
Fri,24 Aug 2012,09:15:29 GMT

Chrissie Batten said:

Wow Donna, you've got some real deep stuff surfacing there girl! It's weird how being a therapist seems to make our own lives harder isn't it, but I guess it's how we learn how to deal with really deep conflicts, in order that we can help others deal with theirs. Not one of the positive sides to this work, when we're struggling to justify and stablise ourselves.
But we owe it to us, no-one else, to find the best, most effective way to deal with issues we face. I realise now that life is about learning and growing, and just when you think you've cracked something, another issue appears to challenge you at every level. Can't go on forever can it?
Anyway, good luck with your stuff. Have you tried EFT yet? It's brilliant for reducing intensity! x
Thu,23 Aug 2012,18:52:40 GMT

Donna said:

Several other points - Firstly, I have noticed that I get a lot of people conveniently assuming that because I am female and on my own I should want to dedicate all of my time to helping others for nothing. Not friends, friends would not treat you like that. I am quite sure they would not think they could turn up at a man's office when it suits them and expect him to stop work to sit and give them free advic e he normally charges for. They do not take a woman so seriously. They also assume because she lives alone she has more time. In fact she has more responsibility because she cannot rely on the man to earn the money to pay the bills etc. They also seem to assume she wants to look after others every waking moment If I wanted to do that I would work longer hours with clients (who are nicer and pay) or get married and look after a nice, caring husband who also looks after me and does not just take all of the time. It is not so much about being conditioned as a child but thinking women are maternal and nurturing and caring and do not think of themselves. But we have to. Not just so that we can pay the bills but also to protect ourselves from exhaustion, from having no time and from people abusing us emotionally and treating us with contempt or disrespect. We must also remember that the World is full of millions of people and some are nice and fair, many are not. We do not want or need those.

I recently had a guy try this out on me. He wanted to move into my house rent free, without contributing towards any of the bills. Not only would I have lost the rent I could charge for that but also my council tax reduction for living alone.
He offered - in exchange- that if I ever needed a shelf put up or the fence repaired or whatever he would do it. He knew that these things rarely need doing and when they do I can get a handyman in to do them for about £20 per job.
So why did he think it was fair of me to give him living accomodation worth £140 a week in return for the occasional £20 job? Of course these people know what they are doing, if it was the other way around they would soon refuse.
Thu,23 Aug 2012,12:39:19 GMT

Donna said:

There is another point. I am single and love alone - and love it. I like my own space etc. But that also means that sometimes life is harder because I have to sort out all of the responsibilities, problems, earn the money etc. When people think they can expect me to do stuff for them - people I hardly know and who do nothing for me- they seem to forget that if I had wanted to give loads of my time to such things I would have been far better off getting married. Then I would have also had something in return from the other person. I did not choose to be single so that I could end up looking after everyone else in the World instead - especially when it is all them just taking.
Thu,23 Aug 2012,12:24:13 GMT

Donna said:

Good morning,

Yes totally agree. There is anoither another thing. We should not have to justify to others why we do not do things for them. I often get people trying to get me to give them free therapy, counselling, readings or whatever, they always seem to think that just because it suits them it has to suit me too. Not friends, strangers. I do not like to be blunt so I might say sorry I am too busy but there is no way I would agree. I would help a little old lady across the road because she needs that help and there is no one else around to do it but when with the other stuff I am not going to give them some of my precious free time so that they do not have to pay someone else. That is really the same as asking me for money! Yesterday I had a guy around my house repairing my computer. Which he charged me £50 for. He then started to nag me to sort out his relationship problems for him for free, knowing that I charge for that. He even thought that he could phone me tomorrow or come back in a few days for another free session. Of course, I said no. So when I say no to people I take into account if they are out of order in the first place. The truth is you should be able to spend your spare time anyway you choose and should not have to explain to people why you choose not to give it to them - not when they are strangers. As we both know doing this type of work is deep and can be exhausting anyway. Hope you have a good day. I will be watching out for your articles because they reflect how I think.
Thu,23 Aug 2012,09:30:07 GMT

Chrissie Batten said:

Donna..thanks for your comment. I guess the trick is to be able to discern when we are being used, abused or taken for granted by others. And when we are neglecting our own needs because of old soul programming or childhood conditioning! I'm learning rapidly that regardless of how much I help others, which makes me feel good on some level, when I neglect my own needs I feel bad. So learning to make new choices is imperative for us at this changing time, as we need to feel intact if we want to feel brave enough to let go of our illusionary stability!
Thu,23 Aug 2012,09:15:13 GMT

Donna said:

There is also the fact that we often say yes not because we are scared to say no but because we want people to like us. But we should not have to buy their affection by doing them favours all of the time. Sometimes it is better to let go of someone who is selfish and demanding. http://ww.bestwebsitetherapist.com
Wed,22 Aug 2012,22:28:21 GMT

Chrissie Batten said:

Try this....

Fri,10 Aug 2012,22:21:41 GMT

Admin said:

Yes. Please use the Share button above, just above Contact Me.
Fri,10 Aug 2012,15:35:30 GMT

Chrissie Batten said:

If you copy this link and paste it in your email, it will bring your friend to this page - hopefully!

Fri,10 Aug 2012,15:32:45 GMT

Chrissie Batten said:

Hi Christine,
I'm sorry things have been so tough for you and hope matters are a bit easier now. You put it in a nutshell though - this 'NO' dilemma! Where you say...trying in vain to make everyone happy! We can't please everyone, so we must learn about boundaries that protect us from using our valuable energy trying to do the impossible! Otherwise it will be us who is suffering when everyone else is okay doing their own thing!
Fri,10 Aug 2012,14:57:03 GMT

Christine said:

Am I able toFwd this to a friend?
If so please tellmewhere th button is to do
thisI have looked and looked.

Fri,10 Aug 2012,14:24:07 GMT

Christine said:

I recently spent time in England due to the passing of 2 of my relatives on the same day!
I said to God that day that if he must take 3 from the family would he please take Miriam who is 101 and wants to go!

Miriam is still here but I did hear of someone in Mackay Nrh Queensland who also passed that day.

One of these relatives all I needed to do was be there and we said our goodbyes in fine form.
The other was more difficult as I was next of kin and the last Green standing now.
I had to deal with the Executor who was also the Solicitor and had Power of Attorney.
To cut a very long story short , his name is Mr.Pratt - need I say more?
He said NO to me so many times I lost count!!
My faith in Spirit has been sorely tested but as always they have come to the party and even though things are still not settled I have now left it in their capable hands.
The NO lesson for me has been that I should have said NO when friends of my cousin's wanted their way in almost everything. I was the relative - trying in vain to make everyone happy.
In the end I did what I and my cousin would have wanted and to blazes with the welll meaning friends.
They have now 'forgiven' me for not doing more to please them.
"God is in his heaven and alll's right with the world"

Love and Light
Fri,10 Aug 2012,13:20:56 GMT
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